


To The T

by Schneezed



Category: Persona 3
Genre: M/M, Trans Aragaki Shinjiro, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 04:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20558246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schneezed/pseuds/Schneezed
Summary: Shinjiro’s so used to these by now - so, why is it so hard to take hormones in another form?





	To The T

Twiddling the needle in my hand, I fiddled with the hem of my shorts, feeling the bumps along the stitch. I’d waited years simply to take testosterone like a normal person - for ages, I had to take a tablet form, one that kept killing me from the inside. Though, granted, that was always for more than simply the hormones. 

I’ve been battling with my mind forever. Do I want this? Am I really a man? Or am I just… wrong? There are days where I can undeniably say ‘of course’, but - on others - it becomes so much harder. Constant doubt and a decade of belittling myself haven’t exactly made it easier. So, to hold this little, metal tip in my hand was a million tons more pressure than I could handle. 

The tablets were easy. I was keeping my Persona at bay. It was dangerous, ferocious; I was saving other people from myself. But now that I was saving myself from me it felt wrong. 

I wanted this. I almost died for this. And here I am; pathetically debating with the voice in my head yet again. The needle is in my grasp, the testosterone is on the coffee table, and I can’t do it.

A gentle hand finds its way to my shoulder. Cushions creak as Akihiko lays on couch, sitting next to me, with little space between us. “Have you taken it yet?”

“No.” I answer. “I’m… A little overwhelmed.”

That wasn’t the half of it, yet it felt wrong to worry him - Akihiko had done so much for me. Fought for me - in both the literal and figurative way - despite my protests. We waged war, together, for the good of others and one another. It was always him and Mitsuru at my side; after the end of SEES, it was them at my bedside. The others came and went - Fuuka still visits every now and again, but I haven’t seen Ken for years - yet those two? It’s like I was made of gold, they couldn’t keep their eyes off of me. 

“She spent a lot of money making that, you know.” Aki jested, nudging my side as he withdrew his hand, crossing his arms. 

“Wow, really? Never woulda guessed.” He scoffed at my response, rolling his eyes as he grabbed the partially filled needle.

“Shinji…” His tone was softer than before; despite how rough he was taking it from me, he held the needle softly. “Let me do it.”

My eyes went wide. “...What?”

“You’re three days late already.” Akihiko answered. “This is only your first dose. You can’t just… avoid it, because there isn’t a doctor to do it.”

Taking the needle back, I held it firmly. This wasn’t a time for yet another of our arguments - we’d gotten so much better since high school, even though we still had the odd bout. As I stared into the plastic, reflection staring back at me, I wanted to cry. Why was this so hard? Why…?

“I can do it.” I spoke. 

“Then why won’t you?” He asked. 

“Because…!” I turned to shout at him, but lowered my voice, eyes darting back to the cylinder in my palm. “...Do you think I’m a man?”

Barely a nanosecond after those words escaped my lips, he placed a hand on my thigh, voicing his opinion. “Yes. I mean, why wouldn’t I?”

Even now I couldn’t believe him. He sounds so sincere; surely, if I were going to believe anyone, it would be Akihiko. But no. We grew up together, in the orphanage, he knew me at a time where I wore dresses and had hair down to my butt. He was there when I started school in Iwatodai. He saw… everything. So, to hear him say that he sees me that way, to know that Akihiko Sanada - my biggest role model - saw me as a man was too good to be true. 

How? How could he see all of that, and still-.

My thoughts were cut short as he grasped my hand, the syringe cold between our skin. “Remember when you cut your hair?”

“What?”

He chuckled. “The first time you cut your hair short. Barely an inch long; Mitsuru spat her coffee all over herself, thought it looked like trash.”

“Right. That.” I stifled a laugh. “She was on me in seconds with a pair of scissors and her hand mirror. ‘If you’re going to do it, do it properly’. Refused to let me cut it myself for a year.”

“She would’ve kept going, too, if you hadn’t left.” His comment was clearly lightheartedly, though I found I difficult to think so. 

For one second, just one, I’d like to listen to him. Truly, genuinely hear his words and believe him without my head tearing me apart. 

“I’m sorry.” I replied, with a deep tone. “For leaving. I… I never should have.”

“Don’t be. It was important - a lot has happened, and now we’re here. In a cozy little apartment, with food in our fridge, and bills we can actually pay.” He smiled brightly as he spoke without moving his hand. “We can’t change the past.”

He’s right, for once. We can’t get back what we lost. All that time I was in the hospital, my deal with Strega, the minutes we wasted arguing, and… Hamuko. 

“How do you think Hamuko’d deal with this?” I asked. 

“Well, for starters, she’d probably kick your ass.” He laughed, though I could hear his voice choke as he thought of her. “And then she’d probably distract you with a hot chocolate before stabbing you.”

“With the needle or a knife?”

“Oh, both.” He smirked as I looked away, a smile gracing my own lips. “So… can I?”

“Can you what?”

He tapped on the plastic of the syringe with his nail. I didn’t want him to. Yet I wanted myself to do it even less. I loosened my grip on the needle, feeling it pull away from my palm as Akihiko picked it up. 

Cold metal placed against my thigh, I could see Aki as he laid down, getting his face close to where the tip was. And far closer to my groin that I was comfortable with. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Making sure it doesn’t hit a vein!” He remarked.

“Aki, that’s why you’re supposed to keep your hand off the pump.” I rebuked. “This is literally just to make sure you don’t draw blood. You don’t need to be all up in my di-AH!”

Without warning, I felt the needle enter my leg, sucking in air through my teeth as a shot of pain travelled through my body. And - for a split second - I thought could hear a loud bang. 

“Shit, Shinji?! You okay?” Aki sat up fast, hands on my shoulders as he panicked, the syringe falling in between my thighs. 

“Y-Yeah, just… get on with it.” I’ve not been good with pain since the shooting. Especially with anything sudden. 

Like a pouting puppy, Akihiko drew back, eyes darting down to look at my leg. “A-At least I didn’t draw blood. Looks, uh, looks like that spot is good.”

I merely nodded, eyes closed, brain focused on keeping my head straight. It’s just a needle. It’s just a needle. It’s just a needle. 

And then… the slide of glass against wood. Opening my eyes, I see the syringe - it’s full to the brim with testosterone and I can’t help but stare at him with a confounded expression. “Aki, what the shit?”

He stares back, equally confused. “What?!”

“One millilitre, Aki, one. Just one. That’s what was already there.” I repeat. “Please do not kill me, I swear to god.”

Once more, he rolls his eyes, emptying most of the syrup-looking liquid back into the vial before looking back at me with a sarcastic smile. “Better?”

“Yes, because that dose isn’t going to completely fuck me up.” I move the leg of my short, turning away and closing my eyes. “Now, just… do it.”

Akihiko lets out a deep sigh before I feel the cold against me once more. He seems to hesitate momentarily; it lasts shortly before he plunges the needle into my wound. 

I can feel it, pouring out, beneath my skin. I hate it. I hate it so damn much; as the needle withdraws I can’t help but clutch the punctured skin. It almost feels like I’m bleeding. 

“Shinji?” Aki places a hand over mine, gently, trying to comfort me. “You good?”

I take a few deep breaths as I try my best to calm down. “Yeah. Just… Glad it’s over.” 

Akihiko smiles, squeezing a little tighter as he holds me. The feeling of the testosterone slowly simmered; it was done. My first shot. I did it. Well, Aki did, but it was a step in the right direction. At least I get to go through this with him. 

We sit there for a while, on the couch, his head resting on my shoulder. Neither of us move; we simply enjoy the moment of silence. Until a large rumbling fills the room. I can’t help but burst out laughing. “Didn’t you have food literally an hour ago?”

“Yeah, well, this new diet isn’t exactly made to fill.” Aki replied, sounding more than frustrated. 

“...If I order a pizza, do-?” Before I can even finish my sentence, he bursts.

“Yes, for the love of god, yes.” Rising from the couch, I lean over and plant a kiss on his cheek. He stays there as I walk away, watching me, while I do my best not to blush profusely. 

It still feels weird to walk on this leg whenever I get the injections; the feeling hasn’t completely left my body. I’m not sure if it’s actually happening, or it’s just a placebo, but I can still feel the testosterone running down my muscles. I can feel the wound where Aki’s given me the shot. 

Doing this at home is going to take some getting used to. But, at the very least, I’ve got him with me. And that’s all I need.


End file.
